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By Deborah Deuel
I had been reading a newsletter from Ken Page, Author and founding facilitator
of Multidimensional Cellular Healing, when the information expressed
by him inspired me to do some meditation. I found myself reflecting
on some recent experiences in my life. This article is a result of the
awareness and understanding I received and I share it with you, as food
for thought.
I believe that at some point in our lives, we have had or are struggling
with issues of self-esteem. Human beings seem to come from a place of
needing to feel loved and respect. When the feelings of love, acceptance
and respect have been withheld, people seem to go in one of two main
directions with the behavior of how this lack of self-esteem is expressed.
When self-esteem is lacking, the behavior seems to express itself through
other predominate characteristics of the personality.
In my experience, those who have a strong personality and a developed
ego presence demonstrate the expression of low self-esteem through behavior
that tends to over dramatize a situation. When they are relaying an
experience, this personality has a tendency to over exaggerate or embellish
the story. You know, they make the situation more then it was. In extreme
cases, constant lying becomes a normal cycle of behavior. These personalities
also tend to put down other people, describing them in unflattering
terms while stating their accomplishments as if no one is acknowledging
how wonderful they are or how great their contribution may be.
Depending on the degree of the lack of self-esteem a person is dealing
with, the demonstration of such behaviors will vary in their intensity.
The more someone suffers from low self-esteem the more they will react
on an emotional level, attacking and lashing out at other peoples short
comings as they see them. These personalities also tend to be very controlling
of their environment. They tend to set high standards for the behavior
of those close to them and demand that they cooperate with those standards.
When those standards are not met then they become irrational and attack
those around them verbally and emotionally, spouting that they are the
ones that know best. They speak of respect and yet demonstrate a lack
of it to those around them. Severe cases almost always remind me of
the typical stories of the schoolyard bully.
Many of us have experienced such a person in our lives who demonstrates
these types of behaviors to some degree. At first, we tend not to think
of these people as having low self-esteem because they present a strong
air of self-confidence and self-knowing. They are usually very intelligent
and have spent years studying their craft in order to demonstrate their
talents. They themselves would not accept that they are really insecure
inside. If you can see this behavior as an over compensation, then you
can see that inside they too are insecure and in desperate need of love
and acceptance.
I have learned a lot from the people in my life that have demonstrated
such behaviors. They do however, have a greater challenge in fulfilling
their desire for love and acceptance because their own ego presence
makes it hard for them to even consider that there is a problem with
their behavior. Considering that they really suffer from low self-esteem
is even harder for them to swallow.
The other direction low self esteem quite often takes is one that I
have personally experienced. It shows through as an outright demonstration
of lack of self worth. These personalities are aware of their lack of
self-esteem. Their behavior demonstrates this clearly. They are eager
to take the blame when a situation goes other then how it was planned.
They tend to take on more tasks then anyone else in order to demonstrate
their abilities and receive praise and respect. They are usually great
planners and organizers and when they are congratulated on a job well
done they cannot accept that praise, they tend to point out something
they could have done better. These personalities are quick to apologize
for anything that goes the slightest bit wrong and will do what they
can to move heaven and earth in order to accommodate everyone else's
needs. People pleasers, they continuously put their own needs on hold.
They are the enablers in this world, hoping that deep down if they do
enough for others that they will feel good about themselves. Frankly,
the opposite is usually the result.
These people are sometimes mistaken as weak because their personalities
are not as demonstrative as the other demonstration. In fact, these
personalities are very strong both physically and emotionally. This
strength is developed over years of overloading themselves with the
needs of others and project after project. They constantly challenge
themselves and quite often demonstrate a relentless stubbornness as
well. They are usually more aware of their lack of self-esteem but their
personality makes it difficult for them to shift this because they truly
believe they are not entitled to anything better.
Neither path is easy. Of course these are just examples and the behaviors
for which low self-esteem is expressed are as varied as our personalities
and the degree of existing self-esteem. All of us must come to the realization
that the underlying cause to low self-esteem is our hunger to feel loved,
accepted and respected. Once that is embraced then the next step is
to realize that there is only one way for that hunger to be fulfilled.
There is only one person that can fulfill that need ... YOU!
The only person that can fill this void within us is ourselves. When
we can give that unconditional love and acceptance to ourselves, the
issues of self-esteem will dissipate and you will find yourself reaching
a place of calm and peace. As you become more balanced within this self
love and acceptance, you will discover that you no longer need to put
down or control others, you will no longer need to express strongly
that you are the best at what you do nor do you have to apologize for
who you are and make excuses for want you have not accomplished.
When you can successfully fill the void within, with genuine love and
acceptance for yourself, the need for outside respect also dissipates.
You will find yourself in this space that I experience and refer to
as a "neutral zone of compassionate detachment". Viewing oneself and
others from this placement eliminates the emotional need to exaggerate
ones life, berate others or oneself, and eliminates as well, the need
to take on more than what is comfortable. You work from a place that
now honors yourself and others. You see the triple flame of wisdom,
love and power within everyone, even if their behavior may not be that
in which you wish to be associated with.
How does one find this placement I call the "neutral zone of compassionate
detachment"? I don't think there is one formula to fit all. As a spiritual
facilitator, it has been my experience that we all have to go on that
journey within to find the steps each individual must take. The lack
of self-esteem is an individual experience based on many factors including
the environment in which you were raised and each person's personality
traits. I can tell you from what I have experienced and witnessed in
others, it starts by making the choice to change behavior that is fear
based. The fear based behaviors control and feed low self- esteem. It
is also important to take conscious steps to make every effort to be
kind to yourself first and foremost and honest with yourself and others.
It was surprising to me to experience that so many people, including
myself, really have no idea what it means to be kind to yourself. Having
patience with yourself is a very big act of kindness. Many of us beat
up on ourselves all day long and do not even realize it. Be patient
with yourself as you put new patterns into your life. Breaking dysfunctional
patterns can be as difficult as breaking an addiction but with conscious
effort and time you will find yourself catching the behavior and the
act of replacing it with a kinder behavior will become spontaneous with
practice. Another act of kindness that you can give yourself that will
help you to change the behavior and promote self worth is to forgive
yourself.
Forgiveness is very important and when combined with positive self imagine
talk you will find yourself moving quickly to a place of self-acceptance.
When you can be kind, patient and forgiving of yourself on an on going
basis, you will develop a placement within where this now becomes a
way of life. This kindness will spill out towards others easily and
without effort because it is now a sincere aspect of who you are. I
also mentioned honesty with yourself and others. It is important to
develop a pattern of honesty. Every little white lie and exaggeration
we tell, we hurt our self-esteem because we step out of integrity with
our truth. Look at the real reasons behind the white lies and exaggeration
and work on those issues. Tackle these issues one at a time as you can.
A trap that a lot of people set is to take on to many changes to quickly
and then when they cannot live up to their expectations they fall back
into the old patterns with even more conviction and another load to
pile on the already low self-esteem.
I mentioned fear based behaviors and when struck by fear, I envision
myself in a pillar of white light and I ask to be held in the love and
light and to wash my fears away. Doing this action reaffirms that I
am worth loving and takes me out of the groove of the fear based pattern.
Fear cannot live and grow in the light of love. Eliminate fear and doubt
from your life and you are on your way to removing the obstacles that
block you from experiencing genuine self-love.
As you start to change your patterns and behavior to that of self supporting
actions, there will be times when being kind to you will cause
others to be disappointed or upset because you no longer react in the
manner that they are accustomed. In those cases honesty is the still
the best policy. It is ok if you find yourself in a space where you
cannot assist someone. If you are to stay true to yourself, this will
happen from time to time. How you treat those people at that moment
is just as important as how you treat yourself. Be kind with your honesty,
learn to deal with conflict if that is an issue for you, avoidance is
not a solution. It is important however, that you allow yourself to
meet your needs and to not compromise your personal integrity.
As Ken Page mentioned in his newsletter, "Lying confuses us and distorts
our perceptions of reality. Lying causes us to distrust our own feelings,
creating separation and miscommunication with our Higher Self. One of
the requirements of mastering unconditional love for ourselves and all
creation is to be honest." Yes, this does apply to those little white
lies as well. Again, have patience with yourself if breaking these patterns
takes time and forgive yourself when you falter. Realize that the catching
of this behavior, even after the fact, is a step towards changing the
behavior and acknowledge that as a positive achievement. There is no
need for berating yourself.
So in ending this, let me just say, "have courage dear ones, make the
changes as you can, be kind to yourself and embrace who you are in this
very moment as someone divine and whole, for everything is as it is
meant to be, in any given moment".
Explore and embrace you with courage and kindness and always
with ...
smiles, laughter and love,
Deborah Deuel
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Inner Soulutions Inc. is dedicated to assisting those who are interested
in exploring the universe within and encourages exploration of the works
by others dedicated to fostering self-awareness. You never know when
you will read some words that will cause you to have a realization that
will move your forward on your path. My thanks to Ken and his words
of inspiration. Here is the link to Ken Page's site for exploring www.kenpage.com.
Do enjoy your journey it just may be why we are here!
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